I’m really starting to understand myself. I am unsure where else I would even consider writing this. I do enjoy my Wordpress, but there are so few, if any, FTMs there. My lady recommended that I look here for some reading material on transitioning and what not, and I found it painful, touching, and inspiring. So I decided I will write here and embrace this community.
The longer I think about it, the better I feel. All my life I have lived as at least two people. I have jumped into what society expected without looking at all. I’ve been aware of transgender as a thing that people are for not very long I guess. It wasn’t something I really understood, much like being gay when I was in middle school. I had simply never considered it before, which is strange, but true. Same here, I hadn’t really thought about the fact that it might be something that I would or could find out about myself.
Cross play took me into a whole new world I had no idea existed. That insane feeling I got when I put on my man clothes, just completely in control. I wanted to be that ALL the time. It still didn’t click, how dumb and blind must I be to so many more coming realizations, if I was this blind to something that was happening to me.
I looked up to that man, he was everything I knew I had to be in order to truly love myself. He gave me advice like mad, he did everything he could in order to keep me moving forward and expanding myself and bettering myself. Somehow it was me, the whole time. This reflection, that looked so flawless and unreal to me.
I let my hair grow out without thinking, it just was normal. Very suddenly I had very hairy armpits and legs, and I would shave out of obligation to my lady body, but at heart, I kind of enjoyed being hairy. I loved being in my men’s clothes. I was in control, comfortable, myself.
Then one day, it finally fucking clicked. Yes, I do identify as male. Holy fuck was it ever scary to first realize. I thought there was simply no fucking way I could transition, how the fuck would I explain that to people? Especially the people I really want to accept me. It felt too big, too much.
Ever since that day, something has changed in me though. I used to live at odds with myself, even before it was brought to my attention. I spoke of feeling like two people. Because one was the real me and one was the me that everyone expected. I feel like one person now, I don’t feel split.
I do have an odd relationship with my body, and I always have, but now it makes sense. I kind of treat my body as its own entity at the moment, and I have been apologizing to it every day for how I plan to mutilate it in the future. Of course, by the time I actually have top surgery, I won’t consider it mutilation any more. It just seems like such a shame to tear up a perfectly good body, even if it isn’t the body I want.
Honestly though, these stupid tits have no function for me. (Well, I do sort of kind of like my nipples, I”m still unsure how I’m going to handle that) I really do not want them, they feel more weird every day.
I make sure an question myself every day, is this real? Am I sure about this? Will I change my mind? Things like that, because I really don’t want to make changes and then later find I changed my mind, but honestly, every single day, there is no doubt. I am a man.
I look so forward to the changes, but at the same time I secretly super terrified. I know what is required of me and what kind of things I will be tolerating when it comes to this transition. It will be hard, but in the end, I will finally be myself outside and in.
I just really needed to talk about this out loud (aka out in the blog world where is the only place I socialize). I am so thankful my lady accepts and loves me for who I am, man, woman, or somewhere in between.