Inside Outside
Wholes and holes.

I’m really starting to understand myself. I am unsure where else I would even consider writing this. I do enjoy my Wordpress, but there are so few, if any, FTMs there. My lady recommended that I look here for some reading material on transitioning and what not, and I found it painful, touching, and inspiring. So I decided I will write here and embrace this community. 

The longer I think about it, the better I feel. All my life I have lived as at least two people. I have jumped into what society expected without looking at all. I’ve been aware of transgender as a thing that people are for not very long I guess. It wasn’t something I really understood, much like being gay when I was in middle school. I had simply never considered it before, which is strange, but true. Same here, I hadn’t really thought about the fact that it might be something that I would or could find out about myself.

Cross play took me into a whole new world I had no idea existed. That insane feeling I got when I put on my man clothes, just completely in control. I wanted to be that ALL the time. It still didn’t click, how dumb and blind must I be to so many more coming realizations, if I was this blind to something that was happening to me.

I looked up to that man, he was everything I knew I had to be in order to truly love myself. He gave me advice like mad, he did everything he could in order to keep me moving forward and expanding myself and bettering myself. Somehow it was me, the whole time. This reflection, that looked so flawless and unreal to me. 

I let my hair grow out without thinking, it just was normal. Very suddenly I had very hairy armpits and legs, and I would shave out of obligation to my lady body, but at heart, I kind of enjoyed being hairy. I loved being in my men’s clothes. I was in control, comfortable, myself.

Then one day, it finally fucking clicked. Yes, I do identify as male. Holy fuck was it ever scary to first realize. I thought there was simply no fucking way I could transition, how the fuck would I explain that to people? Especially the people I really want to accept me. It felt too big, too much.

Ever since that day, something has changed in me though. I used to live at odds with myself, even before it was brought to my attention. I spoke of feeling like two people. Because one was the real me and one was the me that everyone expected. I feel like one person now, I don’t feel split.

I do have an odd relationship with my body, and I always have, but now it makes sense. I kind of treat my body as its own entity at the moment, and I have been apologizing to it every day for how I plan to mutilate it in the future. Of course, by the time I actually have top surgery, I won’t consider it mutilation any more. It just seems like such a shame to tear up a perfectly good body, even if it isn’t the body I want.

Honestly though, these stupid tits have no function for me. (Well, I do sort of kind of like my nipples, I”m still unsure how I’m going to handle that) I really do not want them, they feel more weird every day. 

I make sure an question myself every day, is this real? Am I sure about this? Will I change my mind? Things like that, because I really don’t want to make changes and then later find I changed my mind, but honestly, every single day, there is no doubt. I am a man. 

I look so forward to the changes, but at the same time I secretly super terrified. I know what is required of me and what kind of things I will be tolerating when it comes to this transition. It will be hard, but in the end, I will finally be myself outside and in. 

I just really needed to talk about this out loud (aka out in the blog world where is the only place I socialize). I am so thankful my lady accepts and loves me for who I am, man, woman, or somewhere in between.

Game of Thrones, Rap Battle.

What movie do you want to watch?

davechisholmmusicandcomics:

racortesl:

fuckyeahcomicsbaby:

“The Ride” by Rodolphe Guenoden

wow

this is FANTASTIC!

thedoctorboy:

lascocks:

inebriatedpony:

assassination-for-beginners:

The Princess Mononoke stage adaptation has opened in London to sell-out performances and rave reviews. The play’s puppets and costumes are made out of recycled material, reflecting Miyazaki’s environmental message. 

whoa how did I not know this was a thing?!?

WOAH HOLD THE PHONE

OH MY GOD!  BRI LOOK!!

bonaventureblau:

Some solid advice for all you aspiring young freelancers out there. 

bonaventureblau:

Some solid advice for all you aspiring young freelancers out there. 

king-of-crows-and-dogs:

sonicscepter:

I HAVE FOUND EVERY COLOR CRAYOLA HAS MADE INTO CRAYONS AND RENAMED THEM BASED ON SOME POPULAR TUMBLR FANDOMS.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Some of the shades in between got named weird because I ran out of ideas. I worked on this for a week, guys.

Based on this post.

Oh my god, this is legitimately one of the best things I’ve ever seen here on tumblr.

And the fact that I fucking got all of these references. 

Perfection.

edentimm:

i dont exist so you can find me attractive and acceptable

If there is a God, He will have to beg my forgiveness.
carved on the walls of a concentration camp cell during WWII  (via single-serving-friend)

amandapalmer:

neil-gaiman:

fefeferi:

fighting-for-fitness-with-tea:

healthisnotafad:

sexyfitduh:

awesometriathlon:

anewstartabetterme:

fullyactivated:

This is pretty cool and eye-opening. I wish someone would do this sort of thing with male 6-pack ab models.

They even Photoshopped the woman behind Selena’s arm, because apparently not only do celebrities have to be thin, but they must also only associate with other thin people…

Enrico Francis has been caught

This pisses me off so incredibly much!

This is ridiculous. And disgusting. beautiful people being photoshopped to fit impossible standards AND most of the non-caucasian women are being white washed so they look more “appealing”

this.

makes.

me.

SO ANGRY. I can’t find the words to say just exactly what I feel about this…gahhhhhh just no.

AND THEY FUCKING PHOTOSHOPPED OUT “ELTON JOHN AIDS FOUNDATION” FOR THIS ENRICO FRANCIS DUDE HOLY FUCK

It is always good to remember that you can be lied to in pictures…

I remember the first time I saw a “before & after airbrushing a model” play-by-play in sassy magazine, with the two pictures side by side. I was probably 13, and it changed my life. thanks, sassy, and thanks whoever did this. if nothing - it’s good to remember how manipulative the media can be. if you can’t fight it - you can at least see it. as a minor celebrity, I cringe everytime allow myself to be photoshopped. but I still allow it. magazines and press work that way. I’ve photoshopped myself for press photos (that pimple? easy to fix. that annoying hair? gonzo. no wrinkles though…I draw the line there.) the most disturbing one for me was the random back-ground woman’s, behind Selena Gomez. the photoshopped the BACKGROUND people? wow. do we love perfect? or do we love human? why isn’t human perfect? what’s happened to us?
Bleed Out the Pain (Through Words)

It is an eternal ache, innate and one with my flesh. Like fire ants crawling through each vein, biting at nerves, irritating muscles, making me weak and weary. I succumb, as a leaf to the winter chill, having held tight longer than I thought I could. Each breeze threatening to permanently disconnect me from my roots, though far they are from here. I grow dry and empty, easily destroyed. I know if I move, even in the slightest, I will crumble. I hold my breath and wait as I zigzag toward the ground. Alas, returning, truly, to the roots that bore me. Compared to such a painful journey, death does not seem so bad, or evil, or underhanded. In fact, she is a grace, who with one small kiss, takes the pain and puts it in its place. 

learningtolovemyself:

SERIOUS SIGNAL BOOST (steubenville rape trial, westboro church, etc)
“Anonymous” hacker who outted the students of the Steubenville Rape Trials. He is now being punished for bringing the young girl justice. The FBI showed up to his house with assault rifles and made him and his family get on the ground and took possession of his computer and is now pressing charges. THEY’RE PRESSING CHARGES BECAUSE HE ‘HACKED’ an account to save a girls life. Also involved in Westboro church hacking.
Please help out as you can. You can find this all over google with interviews with Anderson Cooper and Roseanne Barr and others such as:
http://gawker.com/the-fbi-raided-steubenville-anonymous-guys-house-here-511634071
The facebook like support page has a lot more information and how you can help:
https://www.facebook.com/realkyanonymous
And web address:
http://www.whistleblowerdefenseleague.com/
Facing indictment from the Federal Government for relation to the hacking and hacktivism of http://www.rollredroll.com/ during the rape case in Steubenville, Ohio. Exposing the corrupt and paying the price.
Donations accepted:
https://www.wepay.com/donations/2104382285
IF NOTHING ELSE PLEASE REBLOG SO WE CAN SIGNAL BOOST THE FUCK OUT OF THIS

learningtolovemyself:

SERIOUS SIGNAL BOOST (steubenville rape trial, westboro church, etc)

“Anonymous” hacker who outted the students of the Steubenville Rape Trials. He is now being punished for bringing the young girl justice. The FBI showed up to his house with assault rifles and made him and his family get on the ground and took possession of his computer and is now pressing charges. THEY’RE PRESSING CHARGES BECAUSE HE ‘HACKED’ an account to save a girls life. Also involved in Westboro church hacking.

Please help out as you can. You can find this all over google with interviews with Anderson Cooper and Roseanne Barr and others such as:

http://gawker.com/the-fbi-raided-steubenville-anonymous-guys-house-here-511634071

The facebook like support page has a lot more information and how you can help:

https://www.facebook.com/realkyanonymous

And web address:

http://www.whistleblowerdefenseleague.com/

Facing indictment from the Federal Government for relation to the hacking and hacktivism of http://www.rollredroll.com/ during the rape case in Steubenville, Ohio. Exposing the corrupt and paying the price.

Donations accepted:

https://www.wepay.com/donations/2104382285

IF NOTHING ELSE PLEASE REBLOG SO WE CAN SIGNAL BOOST THE FUCK OUT OF THIS

pâro

dictionaryofobscuresorrows:

n. the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, colder, colder, colder.

teal-shit:

Rope Bondage 101 - By Lucy Bellwood (for Oh Joy Sex Toy)